The wonder of them

Tonight I sat on the deck in the moonlight with the three of them. My precious girl surrounded by her greatest gift, her children. Tomorrow they will return home, a 12 hour drive through the mountains, back to the little house and the lonely daddy. Tonight I sat on the deck in the moonlight with eyes wide open taking in their beauty, their love for family, their happiness and laughter but mostly their generosity in coming to visit the Grands. Tonight I sat on the deck in the moonlight thankful for what was given us but already missing them.

Mother and Daughter Day Out at Wild Kingdom

And so it came to pass that the mother and her girl resumed a time honored tradition known as "shopping". Lunch was had, coffee purchased and Best Sale Opportunity identified. Together, eyes brightly anticipatory, humming the shopping song they opened the frosted glass door to Wild Kingdom, boasting a 70 to 80 percent off all clothing in store. Mother selected items for her 40 ish baby to try on...... Beautiful Bustiers of satin and lace, corsettes with tight metal like ribs to cinch in the waist and showcase her double D's. sadly nothing really took her girls fancy. We left the store straight faced and seruous to the bone until we got outside, collapsing in laughter.....Good news, Uncle Jim we did find a pink something for Auntie Rita....

Soon

I have not yet reached the painting stage of my organized life.  The new crinkle, husband care, has taken over and until  that resolves or I can't move no art will happen. The earliest window is possibly September when a knee replacement will definitely slow me down enough to hold a brush. And so I dream of cerulean blue, painters gray, butter yellow, and an empty canvas......and my heart yearns and my spirit dims until then...

A year of firsts

The way 2013 started should of said to me armor up Princess and grab a life raft because you're in for the ride of your life. As if loosing a child, sustaining a brain injury causing early retirement and watching the love of your life fight a life changing battle with cancer wasn't enough of a ride for one life. This year so far has provided me with more new experiences then a twenty year old college graduate on a walkabout the world. I realize that you single parents have being doing these things  with the ease of a contortionist turning a cartwheel, it is all new to me a senior in a conventional man on top marriage. To date the last 5 months have taught me to handle house maintenance, ie: install new thermostat, fix washer belt, turn on and regulate hot water tank and outside irrigation and adapt furniture height with a do it yourself book and tools. I have had to learn about house insurance, car insurance, glass insurance, completed both our tax forms and managed to get us both refunds and not pay H and R the usual $500.00 fee. I have muddled through Blue Cross Claims and sold horse equipment and a car. All this was done while recovering from a total shoulder replacement and providing all the care needs for a newly paralyzed very sick spouse. I have been a nurse, pharmacist, mechanic, plumber, carpenter, electrician, gardener, furniture mover and declutterer of more shit then anyone but immediate family can imagine. I am tired......I need a rest......and that is why I have planned a total knee replacement in September......simply for the R and R.......it is the best idea have. Does anyone else have something better to offer?

New title Furniture Builder

Finally the Italian Leather  furniture is upstairs and the soon to be sold French Provincial down. New job is to build risers for the leather stuff....it is pretty low and painfully low for us knee challenged folk. Off to Home Depot tomorrow to get advise and supplies.....yahoo get to use power tools.

Mother Love

B

To say I miss you seems  so small because the unconditional love you gave me has never been given by any other. I really wish you were here now to guide me with your gentle wisdom. Missing you my mommy.

Blind Faith

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Exen7FC6q1c&sns=em 
Oh to have such a friend,

Struggles of a mean person

We mean people are misunderstood. Is it meanness when motivating, educating, and directing a particularly misguided person or is it Public Service? Thoughts?

Plans

I Need to keep very busy this week. My favorite grandson is graduating and because of recent events I cannot go. But man did I try to get there every which way possible. Lots of tears this week, afterall I delivered the little baby boy and have been there for band concerts, Kiwanis music festivals, his return from far off places and never missed a birthday. It's been a great trip Morgan, thanks for all the great memories. You are a rocket of possibility.....life is yours, all yours, keep me posted .

Yes ?...still kicking

Still here and appreciating the beauty of the spring. Hope, there is art in my future....have so many ideas right now and no energy or time to do anything about it. Had a dream last night of Great Canadian Geese flying into the red and gold sunset all orange, red gold and teal.....need to bring up some paper and color so the urge is actuallized.

April 15 th

She died April 15th...it was Easter Sunday.....today her Dad and I sit together praying again for a life....his life. We are watching the IV fluid carrying his hope flow down the tubing into his body. It is our Field Of Dreams. We know she is nearby and in some way carrying him closer to a healthy body. They were both Health Nuts and healthy living was a goal they understood together......

Happy Easter All

Remembering our baby girl today. She was smart, she was beautiful, she was important. This was Coco at 18 years old. A watercolor I did when ready to remember every curve of her cheek, every expression I loved. I know she is helping her dad right now just like she did when they were the best  work team on the farm, Love her.

I Confess

Today I am not very proud of my behavior. Today I hurt someone I love, not purposely but thoughtlessly. Ever done that?

music to sigh by

Today a friend brought us some CD's of music to rest with. Dave loved the Buddha Journey during Acupuncture and is sleeping now, which is a blessed thing. The two of us never did spend a great deal of time together until now and I think it is indeed a strain for him. I can at least walk around the block and take 5. Thank you Mary for making his dream walk possible.

TUT

Message this morning hit home...

Sence thepromise.............do the best out of love
Dare the dream........standing, walking, driving
Feel the power .........positive affirmations only
Tempt the fear...........do not doubt it is how to learn
Know the truth...........full disclosure
Rise above...................no negative thinking
Be the light...................it is the better person thing to be.

Apologies

Mea Culpa dear readers for yesterday's post. I am struggling with finding Me. She seems to have disappeared amongst the medical equipment and higher needs of my Guy. I keep reminding myself of  the response of a dear one when I was very down that this is enough of  "the pity party"I need to come to terms with the new world and find my Bliss again and only I can do that. I was so much more able 23 years ago, even 10 years ago when my world changed. Now I am sore, exhausted and old....no bounce left......but the necessity is still there....only I can change how I feel.

Feelings

Fear, anxiety, stiff and sore...
discouragement,despair,failure,loneliness,exhaustion,boredom,hopelessness,anger,sad friendless, burdened, joyless, empty, ugly, old,  afraid....very afraid....and very alone

Time to say goodby

Tomorrow I will bite the bullet and drive the new Medivan. My Princess will stay in the garage, alone and without me to show her the sites. I think our days are numbered. I was silly and did not do the test drive in the van. Bruce and Lorrette both tried to reason with a sore, exhausted, emotional wreck and the wreck won.....how dumb am I. So tomorrow, I will take the first trip and hope I remember about gear shifts, manual lights and that I am 4 feet longer.....

Graduation

I have had a plan to paint a pic of the Grandson for his graduation with a bit of a message added in Caligraphy. I know what picture and have written a list of 20 things every young gentleman must have........can I do it,  2 months to go......

Looking for calm

To be creative ,I require......clean studio, good coffee, ginger ale, Leonard Cohen, great pens,...peace of mind and pain free body. There I s work to be done here before anything happens.

WTH is THAT!

On my way to the hot water tank this morning, I looked over my shoulder and saw......this.....What is this space and why am I so drawn to it? Somewhat familiar yet vague with memories it beckons  to me.....come, sit, dream, create.....I will be gentle.....

Sun and golf

Well it appears the season has begun.....first golf guys through at 9 am this morning. It is officially planting time  in the Okanagan. Just not sure how I am going to be able to add that to the todo list....it is full.

Just remember this....a kiss is not a kiss

So young, so beautiful, so handsome and so full of hope and dreams. We were in love and had been for 7 years and now faced a happy ever after married life.... and it was. We worked hard, loved 2 baby girls into our family and succeeded and failed at a plethora of projects but laughed, cried,and made life long friends. The promices were made in total niaviity and full of the egomania of youth. Nothing could touch us now we were a family.......then it did......loss of a child at 18,brain injury caused by a car accident at 45, cancer, chronic bone disease and now CIDP  causing paralysis, pain, muscle wasting and dispair of ever being whole again.. It has been a full and challenging life but this last crises has tested my basic trust in God, medical system and my own abilities to cope and get on with it. This time my body is sore, tired, and afraid. I need to trust my God more than ever.and feel at times hopeless and defeated. I know these thoughts are deadly... as light attracts light and visa versa.
I know today I have crumbled and fallen and had a pity party day of major proportions and that figure kneeling by my guys bedside, clutching my rosary  will be me apologizing for being weak and doubting that God is by my side and always has been and to just have faith...

The cranks are here

Hate mornings now. I am fighting the reality of 10 tasks needing to be done all at once before morning coffee. Lady Reality just smiles, enjoying my fumbles and crank attitude daring me to sort it out and make necessary changes together on with thenew normal.......hahahaha that's her laughing.....

Tuesday night blues

Tuesday night has for years been the night the Dude is usually out for the evening. On Tuesdays, I eat what I like usually in bed watching the Housewives, sharing whatever the dish of the nite is with my little black girl Dula. Tonight I am so missing my Dula......someone will get me a puppy won't they?

Type A Personality Wins

Getting 2 people up dressed, fed, packed for breakfast, lunch, supper and loaded into a wheelchair equipped taxi for 8 am is a Supermom feat I have long since given up. I bow to you moms out there....I am exhausted. Not only do I need to do this in reverse order but must repeat it all again tomorrow. OMG my body is rebelling big time......I long for the beach....the sun....the Marguerita...the bare chested lad in his white cotton drawstring pants......Migile por favor.....

Comforted

I am sitting in front of the fireplace this early evening, listening to the soft voices of my dearest in the bedroom. She is giving his painful legs a light massage and he is gratefully accepting it  .and appreciating the gentle love it is given with. It is the lull before the storm of Monday and Tuesday and with a deep sigh, I give thanks for these two people around whom I have built this life. The last two days have been challenging to say the least as the flu bug hit the Dude in a big way and what hits him, hits us. He has placed an order for dinner....mashed potatoes, porcupine meatballs and creamed corn....a family comfort food. Oh...and a small dish of jello......I'm on it my love.....

Good Week Coming

Tuesday morning....2 days until Valentines Day....can't wait our very own precious girl is arriving. I hope she finds things moving forward a bit more than when she left and comes brimming with ideas  to move us closer to health and mobility. Often it is right in your face simple changes that can make all the difference to comfort and function. She is our genius...no....really she is the brains and more than brains the heart behind so many lives. 51 hours 20 minutes until Valentines day.....hurry...Interested in how my guy is coming along click below site.

Lighten up it's an  adventure...The Comeback (The Dudes journey)

Family day

BC is celebrating our very first Family Day today. In honor of this holiday, I have spent the morning getting out my Valentines to my precious little family and to the new family I have acquired since this new crises has hit our lives. I would not be sitting here today if these loving generous people had not kept pace with the escalating crises and in spite of it came forward every day offering to help us. These are the Angels we all have in our lives but until something like this happens we never know if they will truly be there to lift us up. It is very hard to ask for help...it is really hard for me as it is something I did for rather than had done to. These Angels of ours did not wait to be asked they just came and did.......Thank you, bless you and I will be sure to pay it forward.

For updates on the Dude go to this link.....Lighten up it's an adventure....the comeback.

House keepers a keeper

She came gently into the house, briefly introduced herself, looked around and minutes later was standing in the shower cleaning the glass. I loved her instantly all quirky, jet black spiked hair and all.......She's a keeper.

Exhausting

We tried our first wack at in home bath support only to learn the tub is not accessible by wheelchair even using the floor to ceiling pole.....back to the drawing board..... master bath Reno me thinks. My Dude stuck it out to the bitter end finally settling for the bed bath by some sweet young thing named Charmaine. He is such a trooper.

Whoooooooosh

That is the sound the month of January made as it swirled past me. Much Gratitude to the Universe allowing me to be here in our home together with my Love. Well me sitting him laying but together forever. They say the road to recovery from CIDP is slow and painful but that the recovery rate is good as long as you are persistent, patient and proactive. I have turned from the quiet, passive Madonnart to someone I hardly recognize. I am She Rah, warrior woman, standing guard at the gate protecting my Dude. Visualize a pale, exhausted looking senior in a body splint trying to disguise a very bad hair day. This journey has reinforced the blessing of family and friends and the way they lift you up when you are weary. It has reassured me that there is a higher being administrating my life and placing life lessons in front of me. I knew my failings but somehow allowed time to fly before facing them.......D Day is here......in my face so to speak....and I AM DEALING. First on my To Do List is Selfishness........maaaaannnn is this a tough one. Thoughts?

Pretty house AKA Therapy house

Bill arrived around 4ish..Bill the builder or rather the destroyer/builder. He measured, questioned, measured, rechecked drawing, Laurie corrected, Bill measured and the first run through was over. He will discuss with colleagues, phone the pretty OT, check the suppliers, fax a diagram, get prices and return tomorrow at 2ish to measure, question, discuss, and explain the costing....and possibly install a little something.....sigh....wish MARTHA STEWART COLLECTION was an option....

My Man, My Warrior

I was so proud of you yesterday. You were bravely anxious entering our home in the wheelchair. You loved everything silently with your eyes and tried all the OT asked of you....yes being your answer every time. We sat together for dinner at our table and you ate and we chatted just like back when......It was hard to see you leave in your chair to return to the hospital and you did it with a smile and love. I love your strength, your persistence and acceptance of nothing else but what you think is best for you. Today you were my Warrior and my MAN. See yourself in every quiet moment walking through our door, hugging me and taking our new puppy for a walk ...it is going to happen.

Wednesday Wildness

Prep is beginning for tomorrows big adventure......the PT/OT home visit at 1 PM. I am a bit apprehensive, Laurie believes it will be fun....... watchful waiting happening on my side of the fence. The being a recipient of health care is NOT....NOT as much fun as being a provider of it. Even I after 25 years in Community Care cannot anticipate outcomes because of the convoluted messages and actions given by the individual services that apparently have never been introduced. It is frustrating and anxiety causing and gives me flashbacks to situations where clients would tell nurses filling in for me...." no, I will wait until M gets back....now I get it....

One of the best BLOGS

The Happy Trappers makes me ....well happy. Please vote for their granddaughter Lea...

Happy

Yup.....just happy.....me, him.....so happy......because of .....her.

My apologies

My life is in flux, Dear Reader, and needs my complete focus and a lot of positive energy, which now begs your kind patience for my lax blogging. Through challenge comes strength and wisdom and I thank the Creator for the opportunity to learn a new, greater lesson and for the bountiful blessings I have been given. If you are so inclined close your eyes and focus for a moment on sending healing, loving thoughts to me and my love because our hearts are open wide and ready for all positive energies. Much gratitude and love ....Madonnart.







++++

O Boy!

Seems so far away this man I love......Sickness and health is quite the walk ....but the experience a steep emotional curve has been so heartwarming with the steady appearance of helpful, loving friends and family. Boy do I have to pick up the pace in what I can do and what I offer to do for others.We are so blessed and so grateful.....life is good.

Grateful but ever so sad today

She leaves today. My savior, my touchstone, my confident and sister is returning to her unselfish husband who gave her to me for three weeks. They gave up spending Christmas and New years together in order to help the dude and I during this crises. How to you find the words much less repay such sacrifice and love. It will be painful to see her leave and I AM SCARED WITHOUT HER.....I love her so much.....

Love this

someones missing

All of them...come back.......everyone

THE DANCE

Tonight I can't stop thinking I did not appreciate what was possibly the last of many wonderful things....last walk on the beach with my love, last dance, last time making love.....pay attention Dear Reader.....please. It can all change in a blink.

happy birthday madonnart

 I was about to wish that my every dream come true. That I will find myself surrounded by friends, laughter, and good times. I almost wished that my every cup runneth over financially, romantically, spiritually, and creatively. That good health be my faithful companion, peace my guarded ally, and love my perpetual guide. When suddenly, it dawned on me I was living it with a few bumps along the way so that I can appreciate it more fully.....life is good.